Freewrite

Tomorrow around this time I'll be getting ready to go to the hospital to meet our baby! I've very excited and if I weren't feeling so tired and yucky I imagine I'd be at the gardens pysching myself up for tomorrow. The good thing is that I just went last week so I'm still feeling fairly rejuvenated and calm. I think that there is some really good things about this being my second time through the birthing experience. Last time, despite the classes, books, etc I don't feel I was prepared and didn't make a fuss for anything and just had a pretty miserable time of labor and recovery. This time I feel like I'm going into it stronger, more prepared emotionally, and more prepared for what to expect. I'm also going in 15 pounds lighter which I'm happy about. Last time I don't know if I forgot to bring chapstick or just was too out of it to actually use it but my lips were bloody and cracked and I remember just hating that. I've packed plenty this time and I'm actually going to ask for things I want this time. I won't take the "oh we are out of gowns" excuse this time and this time I'll actually use the nurse call button. I didn't have any pain meds until 27 hours after I had Carter and let me tell you that is not going to happen this time. Last time 14 babies were born that day (2 sets of twins included) and I feel like I got a bit lost in the shuffle. Again, not this time. I've even packed my dainty porcelain teacup and will be requesting hot water for my tea any ole time I feel like it.

I know it may sound a bit crazy but the thing I am worried about most of all is being away from Carter. I've rarely been away from him and can't remember the last time I wasn't home overnight. I think it was when he was 2 years old and for once Matt and I went to spend our anniversary away from the house. It was for less than 24 hours. My parents fly in tonight and so yes I know Carter will be totally happy, totally spoiled, totally cared for, and have tons of attention, and more of everything than he needs. I totally know he'll be happy, it's just that I'll be missing him. He's great company and he's so warm and snuggly. I love that he still lets me hold him on my lap and read books to him that he can read himself but he still indulges me. I love tucking him in at night and having our talks. Last night we laughed so hard I was worried I had made him not sleepy anymore. I just love how when he walks into the room he instantly makes me happy. He's just adorable and kind and he's such a good helper. He'll even just go get me a glass of water just because he thinks maybe I want one. He's for the most part a very mellow easy going child with such a sensitive spirit. It hurt when I had to finally take him book out of his hands last night and tell him he really did have to go to bed. He was sad about it and I layed down next to him and I told him how I absolutely know how he's feeling because it's hard for me to put a book down and go to sleep too! It really is. I have the benefit of being an adult and being able to read as late as I want and I reminded him that we let him do the same thing on nights when he doesn't have school the next morning. He started asking me questions like "did you stay up reading even until the morning when you were in college?" I told him of course and that he could too when he goes to college. :-)

I've given some directions about making sure Carter is brought to see me a lot but obviously I won't be with him most of the time and I definitely won't be home to tuck him in on Tuesday night and maybe not even Wednesday night. I'm a bit of a control freak and so even though I know my parents can handle it I worry about making sure he's in his school uniforms, homework done, piano practice done, etc. I'm a bit worried about Carter seeing me with an iv because he is so tramatized by shots and needles but I don't think there's a way around that. We'll just have to explain that it doesn't hurt and is special medicine. Tonight we are going to have a special family home evening about what to expect. I've talked to him already a bit about grandma and grandpa taking care of him while I'm in the hospital but we're going to go over it all again and read some stories about getting a new sibling. I'll need Carter to call me so I can at least tell him goodnight and hear about what fabulous plans grandma and grandpa have for him. He's very excited and has a list of restaurants he wants them to take him to. :-) I know my parents are going to read this and I just want to reinterate that yes I totally trust them with Carter and yes I know he's going to be having lots of fun. I'm worried about how much I'll miss him not how much he'll miss me because I know how excited he is that they are coming.

Matt's been so busy. I feel a bit bad for him because of it but I just try to remember that I won't be feeling bad for him when I am the one in labor tomorrow. :-) He cranked in I don't even know how many hours of work this weekend to try to get ahead at work so that he can miss Tuesday and probably Wednesday. He worked on Friday, Saturday until 2:30am and some on Sunday and still managed to vacuum the whole house, do all the laundry, mow the front yard, do the dishes, fix a broken chair, put away the summer toys from the backyard (deflate pool, and slip and slide), install the carseat, and cook the meals. If it weren't for his adrenaline I'd swear he'd be exhausted. Tonight he plans on mowing the backyard. He's definitely been superman. I've been feeling so incredibly nauseated and headachy. Still seeing the black spots, and have hardly any energy. I managed to get Carter's clean clothes put in the dresser and the Cricket's clean clothes put away in her dresser. That was all I accomplished yesterday largely because I spent all my energy into getting ready and attending church. I've been feeling so badly that I'd missed several weeks and really I wanted the opportunity of going as a family one more time before the baby gets here and to be honest I really had missed taking the sacrament and singing the hymns and felt I needed that good feeling I get from doing both of those things. It wasn't easy but I lasted the whole time and then came home exhausted and feeling sick. I won't be going to church often once the baby gets here because I don't want her getting germs and we all know church is the germiest place around. Matt and I are going to trade off going for awhile until I feel secure enough to take her. So before I end this novel length posting I just want to express my thanks for my wonderful caring family and friends whose support and friendship means the world to me. I often think about how it could be possible for me to deserve the life that I have. Yes we have trials like anyone, but overall I can't imagine how I deserve to be so blessed. Matt and I often talk about how blessed we are to live in such a great area, to have such great friends, to have such great family support, and to live in our home. Yesterday we chatted about this pregnancy journey and we recognize the huge miracle that it is. It's amazing to look back on my life experiences and to remember the awful times of my arthritis ridden body, when it hurt just to run after Carter, when taking him to the park for park day was a physical struggle because my whole body ached. To go from being on such powerful medication that I could not be pregnant, trying to reduce the dosage so that I could wean off of it so that I could have another child, and the disapointment of having a flare up and having to increase the dosage again. I remember the defeat I felt at the rhuemy's office each check up. I remember our prayers and especially Carter's prayers as we moved here and he felt different because he didn't have a sibling. He'd cry and then pray that he could have a baby in his family. It was always a knife to my heart to not be able to give him something that he wanted. I'll always remember when we got the all clear from my rheumatologist here and from a regular doctor that my arthritis was inactive and we could try to have a baby. 14 months later we were able to share the good news with Carter that he would have a baby in his family. We are all very happy. I have to say that I feel very blessed to feel so completely fulfilled. When I was pregnant with Carter I planned on going back to work part time. I was quite work/career oriented back then and felt like I needed it. Having Carter definitely changed me and I feel completely fulfilled. Part of that is because I also have something for me (bookclub) and I enjoy getting involved in community and school volunteering but a lot of that is just because I am doing what I want to be doing in my life right now. I went back to work last school year (part time) and while I am thankful that I got to have wonderful students and help out with our finances, I'm happy to just be at home now and do my resale thing. I had so much mommy guilt last year and it was hard to be away. Now that I am back home I realize it's exactly what I want. Well, I do still want to summit Everest but that can wait. :-) I put a lot of energy into trying to give Carter enriching experiences and exposure to lots of different things. We've even already had the big religion discussion resulting from his question of "why doesn't everyone go to our church?" Anyway, I definitely feel a sense of calm and peace in my life right now which isn't to say that I don't have stressful days occasionally because I do, but overall, the big picture is that I am content and in a happy place. I'm relieved to know I am going into the hospital tomorrow with this sense of calm and contentment. I know that Cricket will bring many more blessings to our family and we are so grateful that we are being blessed with her arrival to our family. Everything feels complete and I just love that.