Big Rock Candy Mountain and Trip Thoughts

This is Big Rock Candy Resort. Lets just say it is definitely off the beaten trail. We were SO happy to find it! We were about to give up when Matt stumbled upon the turn-off and about 6 miles or so up the curving road we suddenly saw this yellow mountain! They say it looks like caramel. I'm not sure about that but I literally screamed when I saw it! It was so unexpected from the dark rocky mountains around it. Matt had screamed too and I thought he was as in awe of the mountain as I was but I couldn't figure out why exactly he had slammed on the brakes! That's when I looked at the road instead of the mountain and saw a herd of deer hopping across the road! Good thing Matt was looking at the road instead of the mountain! All the deer passed uninjured and Carter was ecstatic to see them of course! The pictures (just like the Fremont ones) don't do the place justice. It is seriously neat to look at. I especially loved this little tree growing out of the yellow sand. There are no signs directing you to the resort and no brochures around either but seriously it is worth figuring out how to get there. We ate at this little cafe at the base of the mountain and really enjoyed the view of the big rock candy mtn. Such a fun vacation!

Saturday we got in about 4 hours of swimming. It was absolutely delightful! The car ride was easy and terrific and we spent pretty much the whole time talking. We didn't turn on the radio once. Luckily for us we all enjoy eachothers company and it was a lovely trip. Matt and I especially loved all the scenery and loved pointing out the many car carcasses along the road and in people's fields. It's amazing how many cars from decades ago and recent times fill up the landscape. We loved seeing all the wide open spaces, the charm of small towns and how in some of them it is like time stopped (yes I saw my first 5 and dime store! It still had the 5, 10 sign out front!!!), and the relaxing feeling of seeing all the old barns and animals. We ate at great small town restaurants. The one is Richfield had like 3 names but I guess the most common one was Frontier restaurant. I walked in and seriously thought I had walked into Nellie's restaurant out of Little House on the Prairie! It looked so much like it and the style of food was exactly the same! It was delicious and reasonable and we even splurged for homemade cherry pie for dessert! Yummy! This was such a wonderful time away and as I felt my blood pressure rise as we got closer to home I begged Matt to turn the car around and go back. It was such a wonderful respite and made me so thankful for my many blessings and my wonderful little family. I've posted a blog about Cove Fort and a blog about the Indian Park below. I highly recommend visiting the places. It was a blast!

Cove Fort

Upon arriving at Cove Fort we were promptly greeted by an older sister missionary who was very welcoming and offered to give us the tour of Cove Fort. I knew that the fort had been given to the church but for some reason I hadn't realized that it was a missionary site. They even live there it looked like. It makes sense though. Anyway, we began the tour with viewing a video which gave an overview of the fort's history. We then headed over to the fort. It was really neat! The walls are seriously so thick and sturdy that I think they were more meant to survive a nuclear blast than an indian attack. We were able to view several of the rooms including a telegraph room, kitchen, bedrooms, the room where the prophet Brigham Young stayed etc. It was a great experience and I am really glad we visited. Carter absolutely loved it and thankfully the sister missionary was very patient with his many questions and his much explaining. Yes, she'd give him an answer and he'd expound upon it or he'd see something and start giving her the tour. There were a few moments that felt awkward for me as she asked him very religious questions but whew....he gave all correct answers. I was worried but I guess Carter has it figured out :-) The anecdotal object lesson at the end was so cheesy it was hard to keep a straight face but the fact that everyone was so kind and well meaning made it all right. The missionaries all fawned over Carter and he was so thrilled with the whole place. The only thing he didn't like was learning about chamber pots. I believe his words were "Oh that's SICK!" Anyway, the courtyard was so calm and relaxing with trees that are over 140 years old. I think that was my favorite part. The walls are made of volcanic rock which was really neat to see and touch. You can even still see the holes for the guns around the top of the fort. Overall, a very nice place to visit!

Fremont Indian State Park

I absolutely LOVE the fact that we live only a couple of hours away from Fremont Indian Park. I had no idea until it was suggested we go there. The funny thing was I read about the Fremont Indians in my Archaelogy subscription magazine several issues ago. The whole time we were there I just couldn't believe that I was seeing these amazing sites and that there must be readers all over the world who would give their limbs to be standing where I was today! It was so amazing to get so close to the rock art! The visitor's center is small but nicely done and there are some neat artifacts in their museum. The park has 14 trails and of course it's impossible to do all 14 in one day. We did the main one "The Parade of Rock Art" and then Matt took Carter on the steeper one called the "Ceremonial trail" and a couple of others and then we were all able to do the trail of "100 hands." You can see the hands in the middle picture and some of the rock art in the first and second picture. I wasn't too happy with how the pictures turned out. The art is SO much more visible in person and seriously there is so much that I couldn't possible photograph each carving. There is a highly informative trail map you can purchase at the visitor's center and I was so glad that I did. It had stories of possible interpretations of the rock art scenes and geological information as well. A nerd's paradise I must say! I loved it! Oh and of course the story of how UDOT was cursed in the name of Spider Woman after UDOT construction destroyed a Spider Woman area and artifacts was entertaining. They say that was in 1983 and UDOT immediately had several catastrophes after the curse. Anyway, the landscape is beautiful and I was truly amazed at all the rock art. There was a lovely stream that we got to listen to as we walked to the cave of 100 hands and the weather was absolutely perfect! I highly recommend this as a destination and I imagine we'll go back again to finish the other trails as soon as we can get the baby into a baby hiking backpack. :-)

Ch Lunch

What a fun day! Carter had school early today (the last Friday of every month is an early day and the PM and AM classes rotate who attends). I volunteered as an in class helper. I woke up sick because I hadn't eaten very much yesterday and paid dearly for the mistake of not having at least a snack before bed. I earned my purple spots around my eyes again today. I get them every time I get sick. It's bizarre! They are tiny broken blood vessels around my eyes. It's way strange and makes me look like that purple spotted witch on The Sword and The Stone cartoon. Anyway, I felt a whole lot better once I got to Carter's class. The kids were so excited! They are the biggest ego boost ever because they all run up to me and I hear the word spread "hey Carter's mom is here!" It's so fun. The kids are SO cute! It was great to get to stay the whole time and see how well behaved they all are and how much fun they have. They sure keep busy! I got to take them out for outside recess and it was so exciting for all of us. It was so fun to see how they interact and play together. One of the girls came up to talk to me and told me that the girls love to chase Carter and get him in a "girl trap." It was pretty funny. I miss those days when I worked at the elementary school and had lunch/playground duty. The amazing thing about Carter's class is that there was absolutely zero tattle tale-ing. Usually kindergartners are notorious for tattling on each other on the playground but it didn't happen at all. They were all adorable. At the end of the day they got to have the highly anticipated "Ch lunch" where they got to eat all things that have "ch" in them. There were chicken nuggets, sandwiches, chex mix, cheetos (a big hit), chocolate, punch or chocolate milk, cheezits, and more. The kids had a great time and I got some cute pictures. Here's one of Carter at the "ch" buffet table.

After school I read some more of the book club book "I capture the castle" and read for awhile before I got sleepy. It is a really good book, I am totally enjoying it. I did enjoy a nap on the couch while Carter had veggie tales on in the background and amazingly the phone didn't ring a single time! I napped well and wow did it feel great! Like my vacation has already started! Carter went out in the backyard to play awhile ago and met the little girl who moved in behind us today. It was hysterical to see them both jumping on their trampolines to talk to each other over the fence. Too cute!

Central Utah here we come!

We loved Amber's idea of central Utah so we made reservations in Richfield (a BW with indoor pool) and the price was definitely right. We are leaving early Saturday morning after Carter's baseball game and are going to visit Cove Fort on the way to Richfield and then visit Fremont Indian State Park that has a junior ranger program and a visitor's center (again thanks to Amber for this idea). We'll come back late Sunday after taking the scenic drive along fish lake. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am for our little family to have this getaway. It's just what I need. I don't think Matt and Carter are going to be able to get me out of the pool. :-) Can't wait to post details of the trip! So glad that it is already Wednesday. Friday I'll be officially 20 weeks (the halfway mark!). Hooray!

Trying not to be whiny....however

Okay so I really am going to try to not be whiny in this posting. There are so many people way more stress than I but seriously I surrender!!! I've tried to balance all the things I have to do and I did cut back some but obviously not enough when I can't even eat dinner without crying because I'm tired and thinking about all the things I need to do. I cried so much this weekend that I was seriously surprised when on Monday I started to cry and actually had tears left. Oh the drama! Yes a toxic combo of hormones, exhaustion from sleep issues (and that wind keeping me up all weekend), and the knowledge that no matter how many times I say I can't do anything more than I already am I get more responsibilities asked of me. I've tried to live by the 5 P's (Prepare, Pace, Plan, Prioritize, Problem Solve). Somehow I got so busy and stressed that the P's went out the window. I guess you could say I lost the energy to even think about the P's. Matt's been really good about picking up the slack but I feel like a failure for not being able to cook as much, clean as much, do as much. And I am sure he's getting sick of all the drama of me being so down because I'm so incapable. I've decided my current lifestyle is completely unmaintainable and unhealthy especially the further along I get into this pregnancy. I seem to have a habit of slowly taking on more and more responsibilities until finally I crack and have to get rid of everything and become a hermit. It's happened a couple of times in my life anyway. Call it burn out or whatever but whatever it is I am totally there emotionally and physically. I was horrible company at the mid-week activity I host (storytime). I'm sure that waking up with a cold didn't help but I felt really bad about it. I really look forward to storytime and so does Carter so I hope everyone will understand that I'm just in a rough spell at the moment. I think what I need is a getaway. I can't recall ever having just left for the weekend or having a family vacation with Matt and Carter. Matt and I are looking into where we can go for Saturday/Sunday this weekend so if anyone has any great ideas please let me know! Somewhere not too far and not too expensive (yes we'll have Carter with us) but far enough away that I can hit the reset button in my brain. Museums or other fun things nearby and a place with an indoor pool are the only stipulations. Any ideas? I do feel better now just having written it out and knowing that I have the support of my friends. I remember when I was really depressed in the beginning of January a friend asked me why I wasn't happy and told me she missed the happy Jen. I had the excitement and happiness of this pregnancy to elate me and get me through the last several months but it only masked the real issue. I think the real problem then and now was/is my inability to manage what is expected of me in my roles at home, church, school, and at work. I hate to admit defeat and I hate (absolutely hate) the idea of not meeting anyone's expectations of me but maybe this is just a lesson I need to learn. That at some point I need to cut my losses and circle the wagons for a bit. It sounds so selfish and I can't stand it. It makes me sick when I think of me being incapable of my current load when there are people who do a lot more than I do. I guess all I can do is recognize my limitations. So that's what's up. Waving the white flag! Drama Drama!

Memory Lane and More

What an interesting trip down memory lane! Carter discovered that one of his books has something weird in it. It was what people my age remember as a record. He wanted to hear it so I got out my old fisher price record player that I haven't been able to part with and fired it up. I had to teach Matt how to use it too. Carter really enjoyed reading along to Peter and the Wolf. When it ended I asked Matt where all the other records were that had been in the record player. He told me that there hadn't been any in there. That's when my heart sank and I couldn't breathe! Where could my records be? I called my mom and she found a few in the entertainment center at home so a few are accounted for but seriously people I had quite the collection. I even had the McDonald's promo record that some of you may remember from back in the day. You know, if it plays the whole McD theme song you won a thousand dollars or something. Of course mine wasn't the winner but saying as a have had a pack rat personality from early childhood I saved that record and the rest of them. Carter meanwhile had a mild tantrum when I told him we didn't have any more records. He's tired from the exciting day at the farm with friends. To be honest I almost had a tantrum about the records myself so I wasn't too hard on him about it. I'm really hoping to find some tomorrow at a garage sale to tide him over until I can get the few records that are still at my childhood home. We won't be there until June though. Matt thinks I'm crazy and thinks if Carter wants to read along with stories we should just get some books with cds but there is something SO cool about him using my old record player. It's so retro and exciting. While it's old technology it's actually new and fascinating to Carter so I want to encourage that. Maybe I can make a run to DI this week. :-) It's really kind of silly when I think about it logically. I mean here's a kid that reads a magic treehouse book in 20 minutes flat asking to read along with a record of fairy tales and stuff but I have to keep reminding myself that even though he technically can read a newspaper doesn't mean that developmentally he'll want to read a newspaper. These fairy tale-ish stories are what is developmentally appropriate for him and what he is enjoying at the moment so I may as well let him get all he can from it.

In other news, we are all doing well and I'm feeling the baby move really often. It's so exciting! We have our ultrasound on May 2nd so then providing that the tech can get a good picture of the baby we should be able to know the gender of the baby. When I had my ultra expensive, total rip off ER visit a few weeks ago, I got an ultrasound and asked the tech if the baby was a girl or boy. She said that they all look like girls right now. I don't really buy that saying as I was 16 weeks and by then you should be able to tell. Later on, though admittedly I was in a lot of pain and may not have heard correctly, I could swear she said "her elbow" and then followed up by saying "the baby's elbow." Again it was 2am and I was in a lot of pain but judging from that comment and the ultrasound I really think it is a girl. We'll see!

Spring break has been wonderful! Monday we went to the gardens and had a blast, Tuesday we had a pajama day which was fun, Wednesday we had piano lessons and met Sabrina (my sister in law's twin sister) at the mall to play, Thursday I did laundry all day but it was fairly restful, and today we went to the farm and stopped by the new smoothie place! It is over by costco and is called Roxberry Juice Co. There hasn't been a Jamba around here and I've really missed getting smoothies. When I saw that this one was open we had to try it. Carter had an Ocean Breeze and I had a Carribean Crush or something. They were both delicious and the perfect texture! Hooray! I imagine I'll be there weekly this summer! Tomorrow I'm getting up early to go garage sale-ing. There are several listings as well as a major community sale so I've definitely got my hopes up. This summer I have the following to find since I refuse to pay for brand new. Besides I'm helping our planet by using something twice rather than buying new: a pram (yes I really really want the old fashioned style but new ones are outrageously priced), a papasan plug in swing, a newer cradle (I'm still trying to decide between cradle and co-sleeper actually), and now of course 45 records. Those are the keepers but I also need to be looking for things to resell. The market is not good right now so I'm going to have to be very picky. After all I don't want to get stuck with stuff in my garage. Did you see how clean it is now? Here's a pic. We can actually fit my car in! Hooray! When we started finishing the basement everything went into the garage and I wasn't able to park in it for awhile. You all read about the cleaning so I figured I may as well post the picture. In all we were able to empty 11 bins of stuff and gave the bins away to a neighbor who is moving. Yes there are still bins but we've gotten it down to just holiday decorations. We were amazed at some of the stuff we were hanging on to. It was bizarre to say the least but we are so organized now and it feels great to have less.

Countdown!

Here are a couple pictures from today! I had a lovely day at the gardens! I will admit that if you are going to the tulip festival you may want to wait another week or so because not many of the tulips have bloomed but it still was SO nice to be able to walk the gardens and take in all the natural beauty! The sounds were great! There was the waterfall, some of the trees that did have leaves were rustling, and of course the sound of Carter and friends running along the paths having a wonderful time! It reminded me of The Sound of Music scene where the kids are all hanging in the trees, totally carefree, and happily playing. So much fun today! Enjoyed the sunshine and everything!

Tomorrow and Reflections

I am SO excited! Tomorrow we're going to the Tulip Festival at the gardens! I can't wait. All day I'll be doing something or supposed to be thinking about something else and the thought suddenly comes to my mind...I'm going to the gardens TOMORROW! The day has finally arrived! I've waited for it throughout the whole winter. There were days where I couldn't even picture the gardens surviving the winter, or me surviving for that matter! :-) This is a picture of my littlest niece (Rebecca) in the secret garden. I certainly have a lot of garden pictures but I chose to post this one because I think it really captures how I will feel tomorrow! I'll probably have that same smile, the same rosy cheeks, and look of total happiness too. Hooray for me! The only difficult part will be realizing my limits. I've been known to walk the gardens for 4 hours at a time. Carter runs the paths and stops to smell everything and I just take it all in. Obviously, I haven't walked that much all winter and I need to start out slowly because of the pregnancy. So, I imagine I'll rest every so often and hopefully can find a spot close to the bamboo that I love so well. It makes the most amazing sound in the breeze! I hope it is back to life already. If not, I'll still relish all the colors I'm going to see tomorrow. I hate to admit it but I haven't picked a single dandelion out of our yard purely because I'm enjoying seeing the yellow! HOA letter coming soon I imagine! I'll write back that I needed to let them live for my mental health. I wonder what the response will be!

On another note, the garage sale I was helping out with is over. While I was helping to clean up the leftovers a very nice, wise friend who is my mother's age and who often looks out for me like a mother (refusing to let me lift tables, telling me to sit down for a minute, etc) asked me a question. She said "Well Jen, what have you learned from this?" It was such a profound question. I mean, there are so many levels to that question. There are obviously the surface level answers about what I could have done better organizationally etc but it also struck a chord with me on a deeper level. I stuttered around trying to search my soul while at the same time as packing away books and realized I just hadn't gotten to process it yet. I told her that today I was going to get this done and tomorrow would be a day of reflection. I told her that the biggest thing that I knew right away was that I had learned about how compassionate and generous people can be. That I was so amazed at how there were people who came to drop off items and stayed for hours to help sort the items and set up. There were people who generously gave their time, who volunteered for tasks big and small, and who did everything that they could do and gave all that they could give. You know, as a DCFS worker I saw a lot of things about humanity that I hated. I saw the worst of people doing horrible things and treating other humans horribly. I have to admit that it changed my opinion of society as a whole. I trusted less and became more cynical. Seeing so many people come out and be supportive, compassionate, kind, and generous, regardless of whether they knew, knew of, or didn't know the family that this sale was helping made me so happy. I've cried with happiness about it actually.

When I was a teenager, my mother was given a bizarre abstract painting by her friend and co-worker. Inscribed on it was this saying "She said she cried at least once a day, not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short." I always knew that this must be my mother's saying. I remember as a teenager I thought that it made no sense. The angst of teenage years and inexperience of life didn't allow me the ability to understand the message. Through working alongside friends and even people I had just met or barely knew I got the message. People worked for hours without break and even made it fun. They worked for hours and hours with a spirit of purely wanting to help. To make this whole thing be as good as possible. The saying makes so much sense now that I find myself in a similar situation as my mother. I can make a conscious choice to dwell on the bad of the world, the evil, and the unkind. Or I can fill myself with the happiness of the knowledge that I am surrounded by people who are kind and compassionate, that the community I live in has been incredibly generous in giving what and how they could, and that I have the kind of friends people wish for for their whole lives. Incredible, supportive, lifesaver friends here and my friend in Cali. I can cry each day not because of sadness but because I have been richly blessed. Richly blessed with incredible parents, incredible family, incredible friends, a wonderful community, and the beauty of the earth. So I'll need to give a more complete to my friend Pam. I wonder if she even realizes what she helped me learn by asking the question and bringing what I have learned to the forefront of my consciousness. In addition to what I learned that I posted above I have to say that I've learned a lot about my husband. I've learned how dedicated he is to helping others. I've learned that he can lift and carry until I can see the sweat on his face and the pain in his expression after hours and still he won't complain or stop helping. This experience of serving together has brought us closer and I'm just so proud to be married to him. We really do live in a beautiful world. Seeing so many people give of their time and/or doing what they could however small they thought it was or however big they must know it was really has shown me a glimpse of the divine part of human nature. The best vision I could have.
Singing one of my favorite hymns.

For the beauty of the earth,
For the glory of the skies;
For the love which from our birth,
Over and around us lies;
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This, our hymn of grateful praise.

For the wonder of each hour,
Of the day and of the night;
Hill and vale and tree and flow'r,
Sun and moon, and stars of light;
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This, our hymn of grateful praise.

For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child;
Friends on Earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild;
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This, our hymn of grateful praise.

Santa Ana Zoo and more

Here is a picture of Carter riding an elephant at the Santa Ana Zoo. I was trying to find some pictures of our fav places. Here's the link to the Mission website in case you wanted to see it. http://www.missionsjc.com/historic.html
Also, if anyone knows how to scan a picture and then photoshop people out of it please let me know. I'm not in any big hurry but I have this gorgeous picture I took of a fountain at a mission that I really want to get framed but there's a couple people in it that kind of take away from the artistic value of the picture. :-)

My Sanctuary

Here's a picture of my sanctuary. I've been thinking about it off and on all day long. I even looked at some of my favorite oil paintings of it online and reminisced. This is Mission San Juan Capistrano. It is a beautiful and very old place. You can feel the history as you walk on the paths that are hundreds of years old. When we lived in California, Carter and I would often visit this mission. It has the prettiest, calmest gardens. It's simply and not huge but it is quite definitely a sanctuary. I loved watched Carter chase the butterflies and try to sneak up on the little birds. He'd race around the fountains following the koi and loved to talk about the lily pads. The mission is well maintained by many volunteers who always happily answered Carter's many questions. We'd walk the paths and go into all the restored rooms to explore. The mission still is active and in the golden chapel there is a room specifically for the patron saint for healings of cancer. People come from all over the world to visit that little room and say and prayer and light a candle. While obviously I am not Catholic I have to admit that among the many lit candles and sincere prayers there is a beautiful spirit there. I've been wishing all day that I could click my heels and be transported to the mission if only for a few minutes.

Lately I've been thinking about all the places that Carter and I used to visit. We had quite the experiences. I remember going to the Santa Ana zoo often and even as a baby he loved to hear the animals and see the many monkeys and just be outdoors. When he was hungry we'd make our way to the Amazon exhibit and I'd feed him his bottle while sitting in a nicely shaded balcony listening to the waterfall and watching the Capybara swim. I think Cricket (that's the baby's nickname) may feel a bit ripped off when she/he sees Carter's albums of all the places he went when he was little. I am glad that here I have the Thanksgiving Gardens which are my sanctuary away from my sanctuary. I'm sure I'll have wonderful memories of Cricket and I going to Hogle Zoo and Thanksgiving Point and other places. It's just difficult to think that I can't completely replicate the things Carter and I did. I know that I didn't take those days with Carter for granted. I remember so many times where I would consciously tell myself to remember this day because it was so perfect. I'm glad that we made the most of each day there and I'm sure things will be the same for Cricket. I just have to keep reassuring myself.

When I picked up Carter today he excitedly told me that his class is going on a fieldtrip to Hogle Zoo May 16th. He asked if I could come. My heart started racing and I was just hoping that it wasn't a work day. Why? Because I am a neurotic parent who can't possible fathom the idea of her little 6 year old up in Salt Lake City without me. When he told me about the trip I instantly thought of the small lost child at the Santa Ana Zoo who I found crying in the Aviary. I was thinking what kind of parent would lose their child in the middle of Santa Ana of all cities? We exited the Aviary and were quite on our way to the front office when a chaperon came to collect the child. She was on a field trip. I swore that day that I'd always be one of the chaperons when Carter got to be school age. So...of course I came home and sent a begging email to Carter's teacher and said I'd pay my own way so that I could go along. Yes, I am overprotective. I readily see that. His poor teacher must think I'm one of "those" parents. I can't imagine how much stress I've probably caused her this year. Truth be told Carter's never had a play date at anyone's house that I haven't "vetted" as well as I can without doing criminal background check. He's never even had a babysitter. Tomorrow is Carter's first play date at someone else's house that I don't know really well. A friend from school who has been here twice asked for him to come play at his house. I talked to the mom for a half hour on the phone and met her in person when her son came to play here. She seems incredibly nice and trustworthy but still Carter and I had to have the talk about gun safety etc. etc. I'm just a ball of nerves this week. I keep thinking I could drive to Cali and be there in like 10 hours. But of course, Matt wants to have a week off when the baby is born so he can't vacation with us now or this summer. And I know everyone in my family would freak out if I said that Carter and I were driving alone. I inherited the overprotective gene if you hadn't known that already. :-)

I'm really excited for Spring Break next week! I am off of work, Carter is off of school, and I have no pressing obligations that week. I plan to rest a bit and take Carter as many places as I possibly can. I feel like I need to make things up to him because we haven't gone many places the last several months. It's either been too cold or I've had work and he's had school, or I haven't felt well enough. I want to take him up to downtown and explore the museums again. He loved that last summer. We also need to hit the gardens on the warmest day we can (looks like Monday yea!), visit the dinosaurs, and maybe even the farm. I'd also like to squeeze in a visit to the aquarium. We'll see how far we get. :-)

Lastly, I'd like to bring up the fact that American Idol Gives Back is not good for pregnant women to watch. I started crying when they showed the 14 year old infected with HIV. I had to turn it off and go soak in the tub. My emotions are already too raw to even hear it tonight. I took around some flyers to local businesses to promote the garage sale for Sadie and I saw another flyer for a benefit for a lady with lymphoma. Then the lady at the dry cleaners told me about the lady in their ward who had suddenly died of an amniotic embolism recently. Yesterday I met a 2 year girl in the next subdivision over who has a brain tumor. Her brother is on Carter's baseball team. There's also a boy in our ward with a tumor in his shoulder who may have to do radiation again to treat it. And I heard that in the subdivision on the other side of us there is a young girl with leukemia. Her ward had a bake sale to help their family. I am just stunned by the huge trials people are facing around our community. I just don't understand it. It's so heartbreaking to see what some people have to face. I am so proud of how generous people in the community are. I've had so many calls and emails about people bringing items to sell. It's heartwarming to know that we all support and care for each other and that in some small way we can all do our part to lift each others' burdens as much as possible.

The older I get the faster the time goes by. I can't believe I am already 17 weeks pregnant. I teared up today after running some errands. I was thinking about how busy life is and how fast the days are flying by. I started to cry thinking I may not ever remember being pregnant this time around. I've had a really emotional 48 hours. I really don't remember being this emotional when I was pregnant with Carter. Back then, I was a child abuse investigator. I was removing peoples' children, interviewing perps, and doing sexual abuse taskforce training. Even through all that I don't think I was a weepy emotional person. I was agitated, irritable, and I could yell at anyone over anything and not even feel too bad about it. This time around, I'm close to a basket case. I can tear up at just a well meaning "how are you?" The truth is I am totally fine. I'm excited about having a baby. I'm in awe of how fast this pregnancy is going compared to my last one. I'm relishing the beauty of spring. I practically slammed on my brakes to watch a blackbird fly overhead with a beak full of twigs. And yes I started to cry. Just the beauty of knowing that blackbird was flying to work on her half finished nest was enough to start the tears. Seeing a whole herd of antelope grazing and my beautiful fully bloomed daffodil (my first one of the season) makes me a weepy mess. I really don't like feeling like I am not in control. I told someone that I don't like myself right now. I think that is a bit too general. What I don't like is my lack of emotional control. It's making me even more stressed creating a vicious cycle of weeping. Last night I again went through the "I'm the worst wife, the worst mom, the worst everything." I feel like I've been neglecting Carter by being so busy. I wasn't good at reminding him of his piano practicing. I didn't enforce that or homework or pretty much anything. When his piano teacher asked if he had practiced I again burst into tears. Thankfully, she is my understanding sister in law and treats me so well. She said something that really made an impact for me today. She knows how busy and stressed I've been with my calling and some other things that I am helping on and she told me that instead of feeling like I am neglecting Carter I should be realizing that I am teaching him by example. That he is watching me and that he'll learn to serve the Lord and to help others. It made me remember what I decided my goal as a parent was when Carter was born. My goal, as made when he was born, was/is to raise an altruistic child. I really feel that that above else will determine if I was a successful parent. I want Carter to be able to step in when he sees injustices, to right wrongs, and to stand up for others. I want to know that my child will not be an adult who is a bystander or collaborator. I want him to have the strength of character to help those in need and to fight for his rights and the rights of others.

Matt, Carter, Matt's brother Jubb, and nephew Tristan are at a hockey game right now. I bailed out for some much needed rest and time to try to get a grip on my emotions. It's Friday and I'm exhausted. I bought some kosher, vegan, soy chocolate ice cream and it is absolutely delicious. I ate some while watching some tv. It felt really nice. I then decided to wax and got some parts of my face done before it got to be too painful. I almost lost my whole left eyebrow and started laughing about it. It's totally noticeable by the gap in the brow but I don't care. It just felt nice to clean up a bit. I've been screening calls because I keep getting crazy people calling me about a garage sale. I decided it's best to listen to the message and then call back the ones who are not asking to sell their products, or to sing. I do call back the people asking for directions because mapquest must not exist in their reality. I'm content and in control at the moment. I'm relishing the feeling. I almost feel like my normal self. I think having time to not work on anything has made the difference. So here I sit in a very still house, not answering calls, not working on anything, just able to think and to write.

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."

Update!

For those keeping a tally, I'd like to inform you that Carter just torn out the knee on the 8th, yes 8th! pair of pants since November. I am going crazy! I ask him how it happens and every time I get the standard child response "I don't know." What is going on? Is he doing it just to drive me to insanity? He has precious few school uniform pants left and I am just hoping it gets warm enough for him to wear shorts soon. It will be a lot less money to go through band-aids on his knees than pants. I have 8 pairs of pants to cut and hem into shorts so he's set for the summer. Of course his shorts from last summer still fit so we have tons of shorts and like 2 pairs of pants now. Bring on those dress down holidays at school please. The more jeans days the better at this point. Unbelievable. I just wish I had a Carter-cam so I could see exactly how this keeps happening.

On another note he wrote a very sweet birthday card to his kindergarten teacher for her birthday tomorrow. Purple paper since that is her favorite color he said and honestly I don't think I've ever seen him take so much time to write out and draw a card (with a perfect heart and the message I love you) by the way. So cute!