The older I get the faster the time goes by. I can't believe I am already 17 weeks pregnant. I teared up today after running some errands. I was thinking about how busy life is and how fast the days are flying by. I started to cry thinking I may not ever remember being pregnant this time around. I've had a really emotional 48 hours. I really don't remember being this emotional when I was pregnant with Carter. Back then, I was a child abuse investigator. I was removing peoples' children, interviewing perps, and doing sexual abuse taskforce training. Even through all that I don't think I was a weepy emotional person. I was agitated, irritable, and I could yell at anyone over anything and not even feel too bad about it. This time around, I'm close to a basket case. I can tear up at just a well meaning "how are you?" The truth is I am totally fine. I'm excited about having a baby. I'm in awe of how fast this pregnancy is going compared to my last one. I'm relishing the beauty of spring. I practically slammed on my brakes to watch a blackbird fly overhead with a beak full of twigs. And yes I started to cry. Just the beauty of knowing that blackbird was flying to work on her half finished nest was enough to start the tears. Seeing a whole herd of antelope grazing and my beautiful fully bloomed daffodil (my first one of the season) makes me a weepy mess. I really don't like feeling like I am not in control. I told someone that I don't like myself right now. I think that is a bit too general. What I don't like is my lack of emotional control. It's making me even more stressed creating a vicious cycle of weeping. Last night I again went through the "I'm the worst wife, the worst mom, the worst everything." I feel like I've been neglecting Carter by being so busy. I wasn't good at reminding him of his piano practicing. I didn't enforce that or homework or pretty much anything. When his piano teacher asked if he had practiced I again burst into tears. Thankfully, she is my understanding sister in law and treats me so well. She said something that really made an impact for me today. She knows how busy and stressed I've been with my calling and some other things that I am helping on and she told me that instead of feeling like I am neglecting Carter I should be realizing that I am teaching him by example. That he is watching me and that he'll learn to serve the Lord and to help others. It made me remember what I decided my goal as a parent was when Carter was born. My goal, as made when he was born, was/is to raise an altruistic child. I really feel that that above else will determine if I was a successful parent. I want Carter to be able to step in when he sees injustices, to right wrongs, and to stand up for others. I want to know that my child will not be an adult who is a bystander or collaborator. I want him to have the strength of character to help those in need and to fight for his rights and the rights of others.

Matt, Carter, Matt's brother Jubb, and nephew Tristan are at a hockey game right now. I bailed out for some much needed rest and time to try to get a grip on my emotions. It's Friday and I'm exhausted. I bought some kosher, vegan, soy chocolate ice cream and it is absolutely delicious. I ate some while watching some tv. It felt really nice. I then decided to wax and got some parts of my face done before it got to be too painful. I almost lost my whole left eyebrow and started laughing about it. It's totally noticeable by the gap in the brow but I don't care. It just felt nice to clean up a bit. I've been screening calls because I keep getting crazy people calling me about a garage sale. I decided it's best to listen to the message and then call back the ones who are not asking to sell their products, or to sing. I do call back the people asking for directions because mapquest must not exist in their reality. I'm content and in control at the moment. I'm relishing the feeling. I almost feel like my normal self. I think having time to not work on anything has made the difference. So here I sit in a very still house, not answering calls, not working on anything, just able to think and to write.

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world."