Taking a Break

I've decided to take a break from blogging for a bit. To be honest, I'm sick of my writer's voice and am even annoying myself. My insomnia has given me lots of hours of introspection. The past few weeks I've disassembled my personality and tried to put back only the pieces that are good. It's not easy to complete a puzzle that is missing pieces and I find myself trying to reinvent myself, trying to stretch and grow to fill in the missing parts. I realized I still had a lot of growing up to do. I realized that there were things about me that made me miserable and must be making those around me at least annoyed at worst tortured. I've been working on being more mellow, giving Carter more independence, not freaking out over small issues, wearing make-up (shocking isn't it), complaining less, etc. I think I have underestimated myself a lot which makes people underestimate me which makes me sad. My fault entirely and now I'm trying to undo all I've done. I've been calling it a midlife crisis but my close buddy says it's not. So maybe I'm just slamming myself with lots of growth opportunities then? Anyway, please stand by while I try to get everything right this time around. On another positive note, Matt told me that he's the happiest he's ever been. That does make me happy and encourages me to keep going on the positive changes I've been making. When I've felt overwhelmed I've told myself my latest motto that I heard on tv a few weeks ago "Suck it up, buttercup." So that's what I am doing and the thing is that when I blog it is too tempting to complain so I'm just going to take a break until my personality makeover is complete.

Space Cadet

I'm officially declaring myself a space cadet. I turned the corner on to my street when the fuel light came on and some warning thing starting dinging. Realize that I really only drive to and from Carter's school each day so I must have been below 1/4 of a tank for an eternity before it got to this point. I didn't have my wallet with me so I pulled into the garage and I'm just hoping I can coast to the gas station a bit later on today. This never would have happened to me a few months ago before my big brain melt. Now maybe I've mellowed out a bit too much. I mean, who doesn't look at their fuel gauge? Oh and we forgot about Carter's first baseball practice last night! Matt remembered 20 or so minutes after it started. He left in a hurry mainly since he's the assistant coach and then had to come back because he had forgotten Carter's glove! Luckily they practiced until well after 7pm so Carter didn't feel ripped off. The first words out of his mouth this morning were "Where is Cheyenne?" That's his cousin who is going to be here today. The second sentence out of his mouth was "What time is my baseball practice?" Maybe he'll be the one in charge of our schedule soon.

The Gardens=Heaven

I just got back from a lovely trip to the Thanksgiving Point Gardens with Katherine. The gardens were closed for winter until this past weekend so today was our first trip back! It was GLORIOUS! The mulch smelled soooo good, we could hear lots of birds singing, saw a butterfly, watched the koi, and tried to take it all in. If anyone doubts that God is a loving God one only has to go to the gardens and see what beautiful things He created for us. Katherine was so happy. She tracked a butterfly, laughed at the bright colors, and refused to get back in the stroller when I took her out. I held her in one arm and pushed the stroller with my other until my arms felt like they were going to fall off. When I'd try to get her back into the stroller she'd arch her back and scream. I guess she wanted to see everything too. I put her blanket on the grass and laid down next to her while she kicked her feet in the air, played with the grass for the first time, and cooed at all the beauty. I fed her her bottle in the secret garden and basked in the sun. I couldn't believe how blessed I am. I enjoyed each moment and came home so rejuvinated and happy. I also came home to a refund check of $25 from IHC! How's this for a perfect day?! Katherine's has been cooing every since the gardens and as I write this she is over on her quilt, sitting up, playing toys and "singing" away. Nature sure does wonders for our moods.

I needed the calm and comfort that I feel when I go to the gardens. My arthritis has been giving me a rough time, last night especially. Today is the day that I am actually going to call and schedule an appt with a new rheumy. I'm not excited about this step. It's so much better to not think about it and excuse each pain away as a seasonal flare up. The problem is that that's a lie and it's time I grow up and go back to the doctor instead of risking more bone damage. It's been getting worse the last few weeks to the point where waking up and stepping down is very painful and my hands have been getting frozen in a spasm. Carter asked me Monday morning why my skin falls off. We've had this discussion so many times that I feel like a broken record. So frustrating to think here I go again but at the same time I am focusing on the fact that I've had a miraculous 2 years of no meds (just over the counter stuff) and during that time I was thankful every day that I could run upstairs, walk forever, and most of all have another child to complete our family. I have no regrets about it because I know I took advantage of it to the fullest and thanked Heavenly Father often if not every day. I'm thankful I can still walk in the gardens and thankful that this is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'll start meds and be feeling better and everything will be fine.

In other good news, I went nuts and gave away almost all the clothing I own. I literally have 15 hangers on my side of the closet. I do have some pajamas and a few church outfits not included in that number. Of the 15 there are only 2 pairs of pants I'd consider wearing outside. 1 pair still falls down (hello belt!) but I couldn't give them away or I'd be down to 1 pair of pants and I need 1 for when the other is getting washed. I got rid of anything that was too big or that I didn't wear. Clearing the space because with my birthday money in May from parents I plan on getting some new clothes. :-) Until then, you'll have to just get sick of seeing me in the same clothes.

Ballerina Piccolina

So happy I won the tutu in the raffle at This and That Creations! I had so much for dolling Katherine up this morning. She loves the tutu. She likes to eat it actually. :-)