Good old mommy guilt! I'm sure there are a billion posts about this subject but I'm throwing in my 2 cents since I am wracked with mommy guilt at the moment. I never thought I'd resort to letting my child cry. Carter had colic for his first 6 months and I was impressed with myself for being able to get him to sleep and stuff. Yes he wasn't a great sleeper so we ended up with a family bed but it worked for us and we all slept great that way! It was especially nice because Matt had work and then school and he wouldn't see Carter awake from Sunday until Wednesday morning. Those nights I'd always wake to find Carter plastered against Matt. Sometimes he'd wake up and be sad and the only way he'd fall back asleep was if Matt would let him sleep on his chest. It gave the visual image of Carter, a tiny kid, trying to make sure that his dad wouldn't get up and leave. When he was 18 months we bought him a bunk bed and halfway through the night Matt or I would end up sleeping in his bed with him or we'd have him come sleep in our bed with us.
Now enter Katherine. In the beginning she had jaundice and slept soundly and for very long periods of time. As a brand new newborn I remember counting that she had slept for 20 out of 24 hours! We just had to half wake her to eat. Steadily her sleeping has been getting worse and worse. Her crib has always been right next to my bed as the medical association recommends babies sleep in their parents room to reduce the possibility of SIDS. That's also why we run the fan when she sleeps and do not use a crib bumper and try to maintain a cooler temperature. Anyway, I tried allowing her to co-sleep with us whenever she woke up in the night but I haven't felt as comfortable with it as I did with Carter largely because Matt and I are older and his night terrors have gotten worse and I am on 800 mg ibuprofen 3x per day with the last dosage being right before bed so I just don't think it's as safe as it was with Carter. Too many bad possibilities. So each night after bringing her into our bed I'd stay awake until I thought she was back in deep sleep and then put her back in the crib. We got to a point where this was happening 5 times a night. Then we got to a point this last week where even bringing her into our bed wasn't calming her down. She'd still cry. I've tried walking, rocking, singing, tylenol in case her teeth were hurting, bottles in case she was hungry, and nothing was getting her back to sleep where she'd sleep for more than an hour without waking to cry. Friday she had several night wakings with one lasting from 2-5:30am no matter all the things I tried. I did some online research, talked to our pediatrician, and finally decided to try a modified Ferber method. I became more structured in bedtime routine (same books, same song, same pattern) and held her close to me not wanting to put her in the crib and just hoping by holding her in my arms I wouldn't have to start this process. Hoping the moment would last forever so I wouldn't have to hear her cry. I finally put her in her bed and kissed her head, whispered to her and walked away. I went into my room where I cried and tried to watch Fiddler on the Roof while dry heaving. I checked on her in 10 minutes and rubbed her back, whispered again, and walked back out. Not much later she was asleep. I did this at each of her night wakings as well. She woke up at 7:45 for the day and was so happy and playful. I'm glad that she didn't lose a ton of sleep last night. In fact, she probably slept this 1st night of this routine more than she had previously. Today when she started rubbing her eyes and whining I put her in her crib and she was honestly asleep in less than 2 minutes. Just enough time for me to start the bath water for myself and I went to check back and she was asleep. Still, even though I feel like I'm doing the right thing I feel like a failure. I never wanted to have to hear my child cry, I never wanted to have to worry about budding trust issues, I never wanted to feel like there was no other option. I've been one of those moms who reads up on everything, has an arsenal of ideas to try, and who stands her ground.
I've experienced mommy guilt before and in fact I feel it daily. I get reminded of it whenever Carter starts asking why dad can't have work in California, why is it that California has all the fun places like disneyland and sea world and no matter what fun places I bring up he blames me for Utah not having the things that California has and blames me for not preventing dad from moving us here and working here. Last year I heard every Tuesday and Thursday that it wasn't fair that he had to go to preschool (where I worked) because he was a big boy in kindergarten and preschool was for babies. Guilt guilt guilt! I'm the scapegoat for every wrong thing that has happened in my childrens' lives. I guess what makes it so much worse is that I feel like I'm trying SO hard. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to try to make their lives happy and so I hate feeling like I'm always coming up short.
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5 comments:
You're doing a great job! Don't let the guilt get to you - I think we all feel it, and all of us just has to do what feels right to us. There's no other right answer.
good luck!
Yep, sounds like motherhood! That was the most shocking thing to me about becoming a mother was how all of a sudden there was so much guilt. About everything! If I was talking to the baby I wasn't singing to her. If I was holding her she wasn't getting tummy time. If I was rocking her she wasn't settling herself down, but then if I put her down to settle herself I wasn't rocking her... and on and on and on. Here's 2 things I've learned... and still have to remind myself almost daily... 1) Kids are manipulators. Sweet and cute ones, but they know which buttons to push and how to get their way. Moms have to be strong because we really do know better than the kids. I haven't admitted that yet to my own mom, but I keep thinking about mentioning it. And 2) Moderation in all things. A little bit of crying never hurt a baby. It kills the mom, but especially when the result is more sleep for everyone, then a little crying (I know, it feels like a LOT more than a little!) is a worthy sacrifice. Jen, you are an amazing mom. You work hard at your job and take it seriously and sacrifice in behalf of your children. Feeling guilt just shows how much this work means to you. You're doing great. You really are!
I feel your pain. My angel of a baby has turned into a teething non-sleeper screamer. When will my sweet baby return? You are doing the right thing! Keep it up. You will all be happier with some sleep I say.
Guilt is a tool of the devil. You do know that, right? Guilt from sin is the only guilt that is okay. Guilt in that case is to remind you that you have done something wrong and need to repent. Guilt from being a mother, is not okay. All it does is make you feel less than, and live in fear.
As I said at book club, we just need to know that we are going to screw up our kids. There is no way around it. If we are super involved in their lives then they will say we were suffocating them. If we let them roam and explore and get involved in things without us then they will say we were not involved enough. We were screwed up by our parents, and our grandkids will be screwed up by our kids. We know, as our parents knew, as our Heavenly Father knows that we can't take on everything for our children. They must grow, and they must learn, sometimes challenging lessons. That's the purpose of this life.
We must live in faith. We just do our best and remember that there was only one perfect human being and his name was Jesus Christ. Let go of your mommy guilt and live in JOY. You are a wonderful mother who loves her children so much. You are dedicated to them and only want the best for them.
If there's one thing I've learned as a mom, it's that guilt and fear are an integral part of motherhood. I think Jen R. is absolutely right, but it's really difficult not to feel guilty about not doing everything right. Just do your best (as I know you do!) and try not to worry too much. I'll tell myself the same. :)
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