When does a compulsion reach an unhealthy level? As many or all of you know, I'm a total germ-a-phobe. It makes getting sick ten times worse because I am so neurotic about germs that I freak out at the smallest sign (the tiniest sneeze, the quietest clearing of a throat). Katherine has been on stroller walks but other than that I can count the places she's been on one hand with fingers leftover. I've changed our entire routine around doing my best to avoiding germs. When Carter's school was shut down because of the norovirus (and other sicknesses) I quite literally felt under siege. I picked him up early as soon as I heard and made him go straight to the shower and wash in the hottest water he could tolerate. And haz-matted his clothes of course. For a long time afterward I made him shower as soon as he got home. I did that until he started literally crying everyday when he got home. So then I just made him throw his clothes into the washer and wash his hands and arms extremely well. When I have to go to the grocery store I spray the cart with my walgreens aerosal sanitizer since their wipes are always out. I then make a mad dash in the store doing my best to not breathe until I can get out. My hands are a wreck. In actuality they are a bloody mess. And I don't mean that in the figurative sense just to be doubly clear. My knuckles and joints are cracked and bloody from the amount of times I wash and sanitize my hands daily. I put aquaphor on them before bed and in the morning they look fairly good but by bedtime I cannot make a fist without blood issuing from all the tiny cracks in all the knuckles and joints. I've always been a bit neurotic, especially about germs but now I just freak out. Let me share this example, I volunteered at Carter's after school activity yesterday. The kids were making ornaments using feathers, glue, markers, etc. During clean up I felt a panic attack that I was picking up all these germy things that the kids had touched. Some were wet and I instantly pictured sick kids gnawing and mouthing all the supplies. I couldn't stop thinking about it and to make matters worse, when I reached into my purse for my santizer I only got one tiny final spray. Not even enough to kill 1 germ let alone the 100 billion that were on my hands from all those germy kids. In fact, as I was there, I was thinking how impossible it would be for me to teach again. All I would think about was how the kids could be sick and get my family and I sick. I was freaking out as I picked up each bunch of markers, glue, and feathers, and finally I had to just leave. Yes, I left. I should have stayed until everything was clean but I honestly was freaking out in my mind. I went straight to the nearest sanitizer dispenser (computer lab) and had us all sanitize before getting in the car. I think I've gradually gotten to this point. I think I slowly got more and more terrified. Having that last horrible illness and the baby on breathing treatments might have sent me over the edge. The thing is, I was really careful even before that. Always big on the hand washing, not letting hardly anyone touch or hold her, and not letting her go anywhere pretty much and especially not to church which is my mind is probably the most germiest place on the planet. When any of us come home from church (we switch off so someone is home with the baby), it's sanitize, go change clothes, wash hands, then able to come downstairs. Matt really doesn't want to miss my duet Sunday so we are thinking about bringing Katherine but only if he sits far away from anyone else (or stands in the doorway preferrably) and leaves right after the song to minimize exposure. I'm still not sold on the idea obviously. I'd prefer she not attend until spring. Every family gathering Matt's family has had I've been on pins and needles and practically in tears. I hate taking her out of the house and around a bunch of people. There's only been 3 gatherings that I can think of but it's still been really hard for me. I know she's almost 4 months but it doesn't seem to make a difference in my mind. So at what point do I think that I might have a compulsion that is out of the normal range? And even if I did what would I do about it? And no the picture is not of my hands. I've never had nails like that. It's just a stock photo for a visual aid. :-)
7 comments:
What can I say? It does seem a little extreem...I think you are totally right about not taking Katherine where there are a lot of people until next spring and it is definally very important to wash your hands after you have being outside where there are other people. But if you are mostly at home I don't think you need to worry so much about washing hands. She needs to be exposed to some germs to form antibodies. I am definally in favor of flu shots and if I get that as an adult I never worry to much about germs. In my house the rule is wash your hands as soon as you get home if you were outside. But if we were only inside we never wash hands. I think you just need to realized that it is not so bad. Kids will get sick and it is part of beeing a kid. It was just unfortunate that Katherine was just so little the first time. She is going and she is going to be stronger.
Marilena
Ahhh-everyone has their obsession, and if this is yours--then oh well. Just know babies are resilant, even sick. No matter what you do, she is bound to get sick this winter--at least once more. Hand washing is the key, so keep it up, but if your feeling out of control, then that's where the problem begins. You're awesome and your a concerned mom, so hang in there! Hopefully, once spring comes your hand will be soft and smooth!
It is true that being exposed to some germs helps your body strengthen its immune system and makes you better able to fight off illness. Small comfort to a mom of a very little one during RSV season, I know, but it may be something to keep in mind to maintain balance and not go overboard. This from me with my own bloody knuckles from so much hand sanitizer. By the way (to encourage the insanity) I love Clorox Anywhere spray. All my doorknobs, phones, remotes, lightswitches, faucets get a thorough spritz whenever anyone in the house is sick. I think you'll be fine bringing K to church next week as long as you don't rub her on the floor or pass her around on the sacrament trays.
Here's my thoughts on the whole OCD thing: If you think it is getting to be abnormal, or if it is interfering with your normal activities, if you truly are having panic attacks- not just feeling anxious, but actually panicked (you can google it for symptom lists if you want), then you might want to get help. If you think you need it.
I think most people have a pretty good internal gauge on what is normal and what is not. Esp. what is normal for you and what is not. And if it is getting to the extreme, for you, then maybe it's not healthy. Trust your instinct on whether you think it is or not.
Unfortunately, I think the only things that can truly be done for it (if you even want to do anything about it) is what is typically done for any other emotional disorder - medication and/or therapy. But the good thing is, those things can really really help.
I don't know if you really wanted to know all this. :)
That's just my own opinion on it.
Good luck!
Jen...you've reached crazytown! :) haha. It's definately hard when you have a baby. Winter sucks, last year I never took the kids ANYWHERE and both babies ended up with RSV..so the moral of my story is you can drive yourself crazy, but your kiddies are probably still gonna get a little sick.
dang :(
Bonitinha, I love clorox anywhere spray too! I've got 2 bottles going at the moment. I heard that it is safe enough that NICUs use it. Haven't confirmed that but I do use it on all hard surfaces including door handles of the car and inside the house.
I don't know the answer to the "are you crazy" question. I'm guessing that this too will pass with the freezing temps and the indoor crowds. I don't see this as something that will continue to control your life after the winter.
I do agree with Kristen though. If if is truly getting out of control or you feel it getting worse then you should probably get some help. You don't want it to rule your life. It's normal to make changes for the baby for a time, it's not normal to make changes for life. We definitely don't want to lose you.
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