A Happy Day

I must have really worked some things out mentally in my sleep last night. This morning when I woke up Carter he started complaining. Quite honestly his melt down yesterday had worn me down so badly that I cut him off at the pass and told him that today is a happy day, there is NO complaining today. He got quiet and stayed pretty quiet until he got out of the car to go into the school doors. I realized this morning after getting sleep and some perspective that I may as well have titled my last post My meltdown instead of Carter's meltdown. The truth is that I felt so sad for him and wanted to make him happy that I made myself crazy thinking of ways that we could possibly move back to California. Lets be honest, I've always done whatever I needed to do to make Carter happy. He's always been a good boy and so I justify it by saying that he deserves what he wants because he doesn't act spoiled even though he gets spoiled, he does very well in school, he's polite and sweet etc etc. When he was little we used to go to this specialty toy store that had a great Thomas train table set. He'd play there forever and he'd be sad when it was time to leave. What did I do? I spent hours buying and selling train tables, buying and selling train destinations and trains to finally get the set I wanted. I'd use the profits from the first set to buy the second and was just constantly getting bigger and better items, selling duplicates and the previous tables until he finally got the set 3 year old dreams are made of. Maybe it's just a mother thing that I want everything for him and don't want him to have any hurt. It's difficult for me to be faced with something I cannot give Carter. I cannot give him a move back to California. That's why I said that I could have called it My Meltdown. I was depressed and looking at real estate, even rentals in and around my hometown. I had a long talk with Matt and made whatever arguments I could think of. All trying to give Carter what he wants. The problem, I realize is that this is not realistic. This will not be the only time in his life that he cannot have what he wants and by always giving him what he wants I run the risk of him feeling entitled. (Think American Idol people who are shocked that they don't get through and say "but I really want this so let me through.")True, he doesn't feel or act that way now but maybe this whole California thing is a big life lesson for him that unfortunately he is getting rather early. I know it is a life lesson for me, that no matter how much I want to give my children what they want and spare them any sadness it's completely impossible. For a control freak it's very difficult to admit that this is out of my control. He will experience sadness and trials of life just like every other person on the planet and as much as I hate to think about that or even acknowledge it, it's just the truth.

The bottom line is that we have a good life here. We have great friends, Carter attends a great school, we have a nice ward, we have a good home, and Matt has a job and I need to just be thankful for the life that we have. We are very blessed. As my dad often quotes "The only constant in life is change." I don't know who originally said it but it does help me to remember him saying it when I start freaking out. Carter will be okay. Yes he misses California desperately but that is why we visit. Even if we lived there again I couldn't replicate his awesome 4 years there, those are memories and he's very lucky to have the 4 years there that he did. We all are. But this is our life now and I'm committed to making it work. I know it's been a hard winter for him. It has been for all of us. It'll be spring soon and things will get better as far as him having friends over and going places. We just need to hang in there the 58 more days until the official start of spring. Maybe we'll be blessed with a warm, early spring. I can hope. I do have hope. Maybe it's because I'm watching the Obama's Inauguration coverage but I really do have hope that things will get better for our world, for our country, and yes even for Carter. So today's a happy day. No complaining from me or from Carter. :-)